Jokes !

"Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.
Never forget that the devil fell by force of gravity . . .
So a good joke is the closest thing to divine revelation.
They who have the faith, have the fun!"

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A pastor was so annoyed with boys stealing apples from
his orchard that one day he put up a sign, which read:
    'Don't steal. For the Lord sees it all.'
The next day some apples were stolen again.
The boys had jotted underneath the sign:
 'Maybe He did. But He did not betray us.'

IF...

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining,
If you can eat the same food every day
and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are
too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame
without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you
have no prejudice against creed, color, religion,
gender preference, or politics,
THEN,
you have
ALMOST
reached
the same level of development
as
your dog!

THE WEDDING

A little boy was attending his first wedding.  After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" 
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.  "How do you know that?"  "Easy," the little boy said.  "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.

SHORT ONES

Several churches now serve coffee after the sermons. Maybe this is to make sure they are fully awake before driving home...

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Preacher with bandaid on his chin: "I'm sorry about this bandaid. I cut my chin this morning when I was thinking about my sermon" . Voice from the congregation: "Next time why not think about your chin and cut the sermon?"

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What does it mean when the preacher takes off his watch and lays it on top of the pulpit before his sermon? Nothing.

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A rule of thumb for preachers: If after ten minutes you haven't struck oil, stop boring!

COLLECTION IN SCOTLAND

In Scotland, where the collection plate is rarely full, a pastor in a small church was taking the offering.  When the plate came back to the pastor to pray over the offering, he saw that the few pennies in it were even less than usual.
He held the plate up in front of him and said, "Well Lord, we thank you for he safe return of the plate".

CONGRATULATIONS !

A lady was getting married and she was very aprehensive about her honeymoon.  Some of her friends in the church sent her a telegram, simply quoting "1 John 4:18. We love you"( 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love.  Perfect love drives out fear").  But someone omitted the "1" before John.  So it just read:  "John 4:18. We love you."  (John 4:18 "For you have had 5 husbands and the one you have now is not your husband..."). The bride was really encouraged by this divine word from her friends.

AS SEEN ON CHURCH BULLETIN BOARDS

"Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives."

"God so loved the world that He did NOT send a committee."

"How will you spend eternity? Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

SMALL BOYS AND THE PASTOR

Two small boys were a constant problem for the pastor, and the parents did nothing to correct them.  So the pastor asked his assistant, if the boys were disruptive at the morning service, to take them to his office and have them wait for him.

Sure enough the boys showed up with their usual vigor.  After a short while of talking and laughing and making airplanes out of bulletins, the assistant took the boys to the pastors office. 

When the pastor came after the service he took little Billy in the office with him and asked, "Billy, do you know where God is?"(wanting him to realize he was in God's house).  Billy didn't even look up and remained silent. "Tell me Billy, do you know where God is?" the pastor repeated.  "Billy I'm going to ask you one more time, Do you know..." 

Billy jumped up , ran out the door, grabbed his buddy and yelled "Lets get out of here!"  They ran all the way to Billy's house, into his bedroom, and Billy began to pack his clothes. Billy told his friend "We are in big trouble". "Why, what did the pastor say?" his friend asked.  Billy said, "God is missing and the pastor thinks we hid Him!!"

LETTER FROM GRANDMA

I Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She wrote:

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!  I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO!  JESUS CHRIST, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious (Toronto) experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

THE SCHOOLPICTURE

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say:There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer, or that's Michael. He's a doctor.
"A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher.  She's dead".

HELPING THE PREACHER

The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.

"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthan's hand. As he was doing so he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked. "Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!" "I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered. "I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."

FEELING SICK IN CHURCH

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill."Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush." After about 30 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Were you sick?" her mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'.

Sunday School

A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that her students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

She wanted to make sure that they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So she asked her class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary called out and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waiving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. She finally gathered her wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells, 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Just A Second

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him. God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second to you."

The young man asked God what a million dollars was to Him. God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you."

Then the young man got bold and asked, "God, could I have one of your pennies?"

God smiled and replies, "Certainly, just a second."

Confusion in Church

A congregation with a passion for liturgy used many responses during the service.

One morning something went wrong.

Inaudible for the congregation the pastor said: "There is something wrong with the microphone"

Although the congregation didn't hear what the pastor had said, they faithfully responded:

"And with you too".

Jesus VS Satan

Jesus and Satan are chatting one day, and the subject of computer programming comes up . Soon they're engrossed in an argument over who's the better programmer. This debate goes on for hours, and finally they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sit down in front of their computers, God says "Go!" and they begin. For hours they sit, typing furiously, lines of code streaming up both screens. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes nearby and takes out the electricity. Two seconds later, the power comes back, and God announces that the contest is over. "Satan," God says. "What did you come up with?" Satan is visibly upset, and cries out, "Nothing! I have nothing!! I lost it all when the power went out!!!" Very well. Let's see how Jesus did ..." Jesus smiled, and hit a command on his computer. Instantly the screen came alive with a magnificent display of light and color, with angelic voices pouring forth from the speakers. Satan is amazed. "How? I lost everything, but his program is still intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles. "Jesus saves."

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