Sex is a
given gift from God to all people to enjoy. It is a
wonderful way to relate to other human beings, it is a
way to explore yourself and the other. Although some
people find gay-sex unnatural, this is not logical. How
can something given to so many people be unnatural ? Are
blue eyes more natural than green eyes? There is nothing
wrong with (gay) sex ! Still many (gay) people have
problems with sex, why is that ?
Sex:
the yoke
Due to the
repression of sexual exploration in adolescence, (gay)
adults are often sexually very active for one or more of
the following (yet not exhaustively listed) reasons: to
identify with their sexuality, to gain pleasure, find
acceptance, to make up for lost time of intimacy, to
establish connection. Many hope to find real relationship
through such ventures. Sadly, role models of good stable
relationship are not always the most visible. And
everyone in the sex pool is caught up in their own search
for "the one".
Such sexually-active life is often empty and
dissatisfying. Why do you think many sexually active
people are still sad even though they have multiple
sexual relationships in the past? The fast relieve - sex
- is not the solution to their needs it even can become
an addiction, a yoke.
What
if you are addicted to sex ?
This is
something many people have to deal with. Especially on
the internet where one of the most requested search-items
is the word "sex" or "hardcore" etc.
Looking at all the eye-candy on the adult sites does not
necessarily mean that you are "addicted".
First we
would have to find out what addiction means. Addiction as
we understand it, is every behavior which harms you, a
behavior which you seem unable to control or change.
The
origin of sex addiction
Addiction to
sex is often connected with a negative self-image. A
rejection of your own feelings increasses the risk of
getting addicted to sex. Because of your self-rejection
you feel isolated, you feel less able to communicate with
others. You live in fear of getting hurt, therefore you
put an emotional harness around yourself.
To compensate
these feelings of rejection and loneliness, you feel the
need for stimulation, thrills, excitement. Sexual
excitement seems to give you an instant solution. During
the excitement there is the feeling of intense living,
you forget about your negative feelings. But at the same
time there is this knowledge that this is artificial and
shallow. When the orgasm comes, suddenly your sexual
excitement ends and after that you even feel more trapped
in your emotional harness. Loneliness, shame, feelings of
guilt and the oppressing of these feelings are the
result. Because of all this the negative feelings about
yourself you were trying to escape only become worse,
which ask for more sexual excitement and you are caught
up in a never ending circle.
Sex
and self-denial
Sex by many
people is connected to a deep sense of self-denial: the
idea that sexual feelings are bad or a sin (especially
religious people and gay people can suffer from this).
This is the basis of the fact that many feel sexuality as
compulsory. Although nowadays in many countries the moral
about sex is more open, still many people feel
"bad" when suddenly for example on the street,
sexual feelings arise. This almost unnoticeable form of
self-denial is responsible for the compulsion to act on
sexual feelings and thoughts.
The more you
try to oppres spontaneous sexual feelings and thoughts,
the more compulsory they will become, the more you will
need sexual relief, the more compulsory your sexual deeds
will become, the more frustrated you will become
afterwards (because it will not solve your problems) and
completing the circle: the more you will try to oppress
your sexual feelings.
How
to get out of the circle
The first
step out of the addiction-circle begins with the decision
that you want to step out. Then, do not start on the side
of the sexual addiction itself, its fantasies and deeds,
by denying al sorts of things to yourself. No, start
working on the other side: look at your feelings of guilt
and self-rejection. Where do these feelings come from ?
How do they relate to your sexual life ? Look at your
deeper feelings about sex, look at the hidden rejection
behind it. Look very carefully at your own self-rejection
without judging. You will see that your self-rejection is
an illusion which gets its energy from your own
resistance against it. No one is born "bad" or
worth being rejected. These are only ideas others have
given you. There is no reason why you should judge
negatively about yourself. If there is anyone you can
trust about this, tell him or her about your feelings of
shame.
If you hold
on to this strategy you will find that in the end the
compulsion will decrease. You will discover that sex is
much more joy if you are free of the yoke of guilt,
self-rejection and shame.
